You Learn Something New Every Day

August 11th, 2006

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Doc. Excitement:

I feel your pain, brother-man. I had some dangerously potent ginger beer the other night with my tuna sammy. I readied myself on the couch, sandwich out, TV on, ginger beer opened. Deep inhale, interlocked fingers pushing palms away, shake it out, shake it out. Slap myself in the face – right hand then left, grab nose – wiggle – quick inhale. Put on metal apparatus restricting eyelids from closing, place electrodes over nipples, shave off pubic hair… I mean, you know the drill. But my point is I think this drink can only be enjoyed if you sip it once like every few days. It can never accompany anything else that stimulates the senses; it steals the show and refuses to leave the stage. I forget what brand it was, but I’ll find out and get back at ya with it.

In other news, I have more respect for women. (Could have been phrased: I now have respect for women.) I’m sitting on the porcelain at work a few days ago and I’ve already read the Basil-Lemon Hand Lotion bottle like five times, so I go digging through this box labeled “essentials.? Not surprisingly it’s filled with feminine napkins and tampons. I’m curious, so first I open up a tampon. Not very impressive, just like a cylinder of cotton basically, but nonetheless it’s a magical moment since there’s a possibility that my little friend will someday enter a vagina, and that is something I will always back. So I spend the first twenty-five minutes of my movement drawing faces on the tampons and putting on little plays, but eventually I get bored so I start reading the box… and get this: tampons can cause a rare but SEVERE and possibly FATAL disease called Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS). It’s like, contain yourself, Ben, take this one thought at a time. First, the phrase “toxic shock? has endless band, song, album, movie title potential. Beyond that initial reaction it’s like, don’t tons of women use these things and do they all know about it and do any men know about it!? So I read on because luckily the warning on the box directs me to further information that can be found in the pamphlet IN THE BOX. I’m just about finished evacuating the G.I. tract but I’m like totally intrigued so I steal it and head back out into the daylight.

So after a little research and holding a small round-table with some females I find out that they all know about TSS and not one guy I ask has ever heard of it. That’s the kind of sexist information hoarding that’s tearing our country apart. Secrets and Lies and Not Talking To Me At Bars.

Also, in that smuggled pamphlet it presents this statistic: “Between 1 and 17 of every 100,000 menstruating women and girls will get TSS each year.? With my Wilt Chamberlin-esque libido and suaveness, that means that between 2 and 34 of the women I’ve knocked-da-boots with have had TSS! Also, is that like not a completely idiotic way of presenting a statistic? Isn’t the whole idea to reduce the ratio down and have a simple 1 of 10 or 3 of 5 or whatever. I don’t know, that’s why I’ve always said that statistics is the most evil of all math disciplines.