I think Hot Topic pretty much has the right idea

November 1st, 2006

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I can’t write too much or I’ll get upset. I’m hung over, man. My head’s veeeeery delicate now. Like any small nudge could send it crashing to the floor. I protect it from things. Lights. Sounds. Thoughts. All of which cause pain.

———- HOURS LATER ————

Yeah, so, that hang over is pretty much taken care of. Gotta get a big hoagie in me pronto and everything’ll go smooooooth and easy-like. It’s totally amazing what Excedrin will do. Erase a headache almost completely. The only evidence of your pain is your incredible appreciation for not having it, something you wouldn’t normally have if the pain hadn’t been recently taken away. Right? Right.

So, I’m foodshopping the other day, and what do they have sitting there but TAB in cans! I’ve been looking for TAB in cans like mad ever since I became obsessed with Brandon Bird’s paintings, specifically Lazy Sunday Afternoon. Note the TAB can, perfectly placed. Of COURSE robot engineer Christopher Walken would drink TAB in the garage while he tinkers away with an android. Anyhow, since I’ve been setting up my basement laboratory, I’ve wished I could drink TAB down there.

Long story short, I realized, while I was standing in line with 12 cans of TAB – a beverage I’ve tried once and thought tasted similar to the way mercury must taste – if the marketing is right, I’ll totally buy ANYTHING. Like my Fresca phase, which was spurred on just by Troy McClure answering “Troy, do you love me?” with “Sure I do. Like I love Fresca!” Which is why I think Hot Topic pretty much has the right idea selling patches that say Camp Anawanna on them. It’s a reference that’s sooo subtle, so obscure, and that’s what I assume the kids like these days. You don’t want a shirt that says “Pulp Fiction” on it, you want to wear the same shirt Jules Winnfield wears after The Wolf takes care of the kid’s body. See what I’m saying? People want things as many steps removed as possible, and Hot Topic is right there, on the bleeding edge of that . The only problem is that they are Hot Topic, and therefore more than a little gay.