Steve Jobs Should teach K Thru 5

January 11th, 2007

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Chucky D-

I was on my way up from the laundry room, (Yeah, it’s been a big night: wine, laundry, flipbooks, writing you a letter!) so I stopped to have a smoke on the second floor landing. It’s a nice perch, seeing other tenants come and go, all hours, occasionally accumulating into small groups, the nightman Leroy – a person who holds almost a prop-like place in my life, good man, amiable. Tonight she rolled up in a cab wearing mostly black holding a leash connected to maybe a terrier, definitely a small dog – again living thing as prop. She releases the supermagnet that holds the gate shut using the SensoKey, which I’ve found is slightly too fat to sit well on a keyring, and starts guiding the dog into the courtyard with her foot. But after she shoves it through, she notices something on the ground, I guess something she’d dropped, and reaches for it. She reaches for the item, pulling the dog nearly back out to the sidewalk. The leash seems long enough, but she can’t hold the gate open and reach to pick the thing up; she lets go, the iron gate starts swinging closed threatening to re-engage the supermagnet. She manages to snag whatever it was – a compact, prophylactic, list of some sort, I don’t know and it doesn’t matter because she was too slow, the gate locks across the leash! Dog inside, girl outside, gate locked. She stretches back across to tap her SensoKey against the Base Unit to once again release the supermagnet, the one that holds the cast-iron gate safely shut, reinforced by its spiraling barbed wire toupee. Fuck! Now it’s the leash that’s too short, she can’t reach the Base Unit, but she can’t let go of the leash! But she’s also locked out! Decision time, Charlie, what do you do? Do you let go of the leash, dog goes running off? but you can’t not unlock the gate, you have to get in, Charlie, I mean, what are you going to do, wait around for the next tenant to come home!? Not in this neighborhood! NOT in this neighborhood! Especially when the inevitable assailant will no doubt note that you’re essentially chained to a fence, rendering you effectively useless! FUCK! Alright, do it, just let go of the leash for just a second, a split second, you’ll release the supermagnet, enter, problem solved! Alright, ready? Ok, dog seems uninterested in surroundings, good, now’s the time, here I go, and I’m letting go of the leash, I’m elegantly reaching for the Base Unit with the SensoKey, dog’s staying relatively put, supermagnet is released, I know because of the high pitched tone, alright, pulling gate open, shit, dog’s noticing high pitched tone… he’s getting antsy, swing open heavy iron gate, grab leash, and I did it! Alright!

Fine, I know it didn’t happen to me, specifically, but I just sort of weaseled my way into the narrative okay? Whatever, some girl pulled off this sort of impromptu, unintentional Charlie Chaplin slapstick mime routine and I thought it was kinda cool and totally butchered it with some strange “stylistic? prose.

So I had my first class at the UCB Theater. I got all high before and I was less than thoughtful. Hope to do better next week… at least plan better.

What’s your, shhhhhhh, real address? I’ll send you a flipbook! Asshole!

-Shabobs (seriously, make a move)