When Shababos Were Down In Egypt Land…

April 4th, 2007

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Apparently Passover is all about this Exodus story, maybe you’ve heard of it. Basically, the people of Israel, which at the time didn’t mean the country, but I guess like… some other thing… I don’t know… so these people of Israel were enslaved by Pharoh, and the Exodus was the Jews being like, later, dude, we outty. (For some reason I never thought about it until this year’s seder, but I think my ancestors built the pyramids.) So at seder you basically retell the story of Exodus in a really vague, roundabout, and honestly biased style. Like at one point it says you’ll be praised in proportion to how much you talk about the Exodus story and honor it and perpetuate it. That’s so like religion to reward you for sustaining it more than following its beliefs.

Another part is where we tell God that he could have just done a few of the ten plagues, it would have been enough, and he could have just slaughtered the first born on the non-Jews, it would have been enough, and he could have just freed us (them) and it would have been enough, but the one that caught my eye was when we thanked him for helping us in the desert for forty years, that would have been enough. Fuck that. Helping people lost in the desert would be getting them the shit out of there, or just killing them, not keeping them barely alive on matzah so they can wander around like fools. That’s some fucked up psychological torment if you ask me. And forty years? Seriously, these fuckers couldn’t find anything but desert. Just walk in a straight line assholes! You would have been out of there in a month, I promise you. But I suppose it’s futile to question mythology.

The question that really bugged me all night, though, had to do with my father’s family. They’re from Egypt and I think moved out in the early 50’s. So my question is this: If the rest of the Jews left Egypt in the prehistoric days, why did my father’s family stay, and what were they doing? Were they on the inside with Pharoh’s fam? Were they taking a shit when the others made their break? Perhaps, and this is my personal theory, they did leave with the rest of the J-crew, but my Dad’s ancestor claimed he knew some better way to go through the desert and assumed the others were complete idiots and took off in his own direction only to find himself a week later building pyramids again. Scientifically, my theory holds up best.

Oh yeah, Jurassic Park is not a documentary and dinosaurs are a hoax. Bottom line.