Hello Darkness (Charlie), My Old Friend

April 10th, 2008

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Charles-

It’s been so long since I wrote you. So long that I was surprised to remember the combination to the safe in which I keep the drafts of our letters and my quill and ink.

I’m writing to ask youa favor, I’m sorry this letter couldn’t be more casual. As you know I’ve been travelling the world as a journalist and you’ll be happy to hear that I’ve been given the opportunity to write for a prestigious publication. Enclosed is a copy of my first article, it’s about the president’s new war. Could you please proof read it for me as I’ve always been clusmy with punctuation;.

Thanks in advance. Talk to you soon.

Bush Announces New Concept War

Forget the War on Iran or the War on Our Own Economy, President Bush announced in a prerecorded message aired on the major networks today that United States will engage in a War on Terroir.

At first many journalists simply assumed that the president had misspoke, meaning to say War on Terror and that his re-declaration of that war is more proof that either senility is setting in or that he’s just that stupid. Others thought that he was just reading the wrong speech. It is well known among insiders on the hill that President Bush keeps several stock speeches in the linings of his suits.

“These extremist ideologues who support terroir hate freedom and are a threat to our safety and our way of life,? the president stated into the camera among other vague pronouncements. In the two-minute video, President Bush appeared characteristically calm and slightly amused with himself.

The two Democratic presidential candidates took immediate aim at the administration’s decision. “The president has no plan for this ill conceived war. Does he think he can control the weather? Or the sun? Does he think he can control the heavens themselves?!? Hillary Clinton said in front of a town meeting in rural Pennsylvania as she proceeded to cackle loudly towards the ceiling seeming somewhat unhinged, a single tear running down her cheek.

Barack Obama, the current front-runner but behind in Pennsylvania, addressed the war with Tim Russert on Meet The Press. “This is obviously another ploy to put money in the pockets of big business. Bush is creating a policy that will take money out of the small vineyards using age-old techniques and into the hands of corporate owned winemakers who use machines to create characterless, generic wines.? Nonetheless, in the same show Obama denounced any ties to the Burgundy region of France after a video surfaced of him relaxing at a chateau in the region, wearing traditional winemaking garb: a collared shirt that is half way buttoned, a fedora, and the symbolic bandolier packed with cocaine.

Ralph Nadar even chimed in, perhaps still testing the waters for another run at the presidency. “This is the same old con. It’s the same elites who own the largest wineries, who make the fermentation machinery, and who have hijacked the government of this country!? He then added, “Republican, Democrat, what’s the difference??

Later at a press conference, President Bush was pressured by journalists to be more specific about the reasons for the war. And after parrying the question several times he did provide some insight into his personal feelings about the war. “I dunno. It’s a funny soundin’ word. Teeerrrrr-wwwwhhhaaaaaaahhhh.?

-Ben

P.S. Please return before the 20th of April.

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