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Seeing as I hadn’t left the house in the past couple days, I vowed to do that today. I rolled out of bed and put the kettle on while I showered. Just a touch of Head & Shoulders. Fresh Dove bar. Now we’re cooking.
I made some oatmeal in that star bowl that K made for me, like I do every morning, while I read a book about programming. After I had some food in me, I took my magnesium supplement, the one that’s supposed to stop my heart palpitations [see attached EKG]. I pop it in my mouth and do Gary Oldman’s trademark head-tilt and eye-glaze, just before swallowing it, looking to the ceiling as 58% of my daily magnesium plows into my stomach, my pupils widening. Then it’s off to the supermarket, Carl Kassel’s voice thumping out of my dual trunk woofers, a green index card in my back pocket with a list of ingredients I need for the meatloaf I might make later.
As I strolled into the supermarket, the automatic door dinged as I looked ahead to the sleeping security guard, and couldn’t help thinking how filmic it was. For a moment, I imagined the camera behind me, close up on my hand grabbing the basket, panning shot of the security guard, medium closeup in front of me as I walked. Then, were this a movie, something would happen. There would be an action scene.
But this is real life, Ben. Real life isn’t so scripted or so dense with excitement. I just paid in gold Krugerrand, judo chopped the security guard, and back flipped all the way out to my Aston Martin Submarine Car, leaving a cloud of smoke and an oil slick to delay the Libyans pursuing me. Same as I do every Friday.